Wednesday Fun Day! Disorder in Court

By
Real Estate Broker/Owner with Phoenix Property Shoppe AZ Broker BR030809000
https://staging.activerain.com/droplet/5c9J

 

 

One of my oldest clients, Mike, sends me funny stuff every once in awhile.  This one made me laugh & chuckle out loud! Since I haven't been posting 'funnies' for quite some time I figured it was high past time to do so! You might have seen this before, I think I did, but it sure made me laugh all over.  Enjoy!

 

Time for some chuckles. Enjoy!

 

How do court stenographers keep a straight face?

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. I think all were from the law firm of Dewey, Screwim & Howe.
__________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
__________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

 Wednesday Fun Day! Disorder in Court

Posted by
Phoenix Property Shoppe  

 

 

Anna "Banana" Kruchten
Designated Broker & Owner
CRB, CRS, GRI, CNE, SFR, CDPE, WLS


Phoenix Homes For Sale

 

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Rainmaker
2,133,436
Myrl Jeffcoat
GreatWest Realty - Sacramento, CA
Greater Sacramento Real Estate Agent

I once sat with a gal in her late 70s, as she sat in a doctor's office filling out a questionnaire.  To on one of the questions which read, "Are you sexually active?"  She wrote in perfect cursive, "With myself or others?"

May 02, 2018 12:10 PM #1
Rainmaker
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Ron and Alexandra Seigel
Napa Consultants - Carpinteria, CA
Luxury Real Estate Branding, Marketing & Strategy

Anna,

These are so funny, and thank you for the laughter, we always can use more, and Myrl Jeffcoat comment also is a good one.  Thank you both...Now I need lunch!  A

May 02, 2018 12:28 PM #2
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Hannah Williams
Re/Max Eastern inc. - Philadelphia, PA
Expertise NE Philadelphia & Bucks 215-953-8818

Had to laugh especially on the birthday one as it is my birthday every year

May 02, 2018 12:29 PM #3
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Tammy Lankford,
Lane Realty Eatonton, GA Lake Sinclair, Milledgeville, 706-485-9668 - Eatonton, GA
Broker GA Lake Sinclair/Eatonton/Milledgeville

Yesterday was terrible.  This helped.  Laughter makes things better.

May 02, 2018 12:32 PM #4
Rainmaker
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Will Hamm
Hamm Homes - Aurora, CO
"Where There's a Will, There's a Way!"

Thanks Anna,  I needed a laugh today after what I am going thru with my foot.

May 02, 2018 12:36 PM #5
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Kathy Streib
Room Service Home Staging - Delray Beach, FL
Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224

Oh my gosh, Anna. I have no idea if I've heard them before but I'm still laughing out loud!!!!! Elyse Berman, PA should read these because that's what she did in a former life!

May 02, 2018 05:25 PM #6
Rainmaker
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Elyse Berman, PA
Best Connections Realty, Inc. - Boca Raton, FL
Boca Raton FL - (561) 716-7824 - CRS, ABR, GRI

Anna Banana Kruchten CRB, CRS, Broker I love these and it's so true.  It really does happen and, let me tell you, it's hard to keep a straight face.  You can't make this stuff up!  There was also a trade magazine, at that time, that ran a column of these monthly.

 

Thanks for the best laugh I had today!  And thanks Kathy Streib for alerting me that Anna posted this.  It was great!

May 02, 2018 05:30 PM #7
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Debbie Reynolds
Platinum Properties - Clarksville, TN
Your Dedicated Clarksville TN Real Estate Agent

I love these. One of my friends is a court reporter and she shared a few funnies (no names were revealed) where a couple was divorcing and fighting over the Kitchenaid mixer and the sides of the argument. We can't think this stuff up.

May 02, 2018 06:23 PM #8
Rainmaker
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Kat Palmiotti
Grand Lux Realty, 914-419-0270, kat@thehousekat.com - Monroe, NY
The House Kat

Hahaha. I actually laughed out loud at several of these. I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face if I was in the courtroom.

May 03, 2018 03:44 AM #9
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Debb Janes EcoBroker and Bernie Stea JD
ViewHomes of Clark County - Nature As Neighbors - Camas, WA
REALTORS® in Clark County, WA

These are a riot Anna. Thanks for making me nearly spray coffee all over the front of my computer screen. :) :) :) 

May 03, 2018 07:02 AM #10
Rainmaker
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Elizabeth Weintraub Sacramento Real Estate Agent, Top 1% of Lyon Agents
Lyon Real Estate - Sacramento, CA
Put 40 years of experience to work for you

This one made me laugh out loud. Startled my cats from their sleep and two of them jumped off my desk:

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

May 03, 2018 11:30 AM #11
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Paul S. Henderson, REALTOR®,CRS,
RE/MAX Professionals. - Tacoma, WA
Tacoma Washington Agent/Broker & Market Authority!

Thank you for the smile and tickling my funny bone Anna Banana Kruchten CRB, CRS, Broker 

May 03, 2018 11:38 AM #12
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George Souto
George Souto NMLS #65149 FHA, CHFA, VA Mortgages - Middletown, CT
Your Connecticut Mortgage Expert

Anna yep makes you wonder what the heck is going through peoples minds sometimes

May 03, 2018 03:54 PM #13
Rainmaker
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Patricia Feager
DFW FINE PROPERTIES - Southlake, TX
Selling Homes Changing Lives

Oh, Anna Banana Kruchten CRB, CRS, Broker - I roared with laughter for each one! Laughter is the best medicine and my drug of choice! Each one was hilarious! Today, was the perfect day for me to read them.

Thanks! Please continue to bring us good humor!

May 03, 2018 09:18 PM #14
Rainmaker
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Michael Jacobs
Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage - Pasadena, CA
Los Angeles Pasadena Area Real Estate 818.516.4393

Hi Anna - I can't or simply won't choose a favorite.  Very fun!

May 04, 2018 08:47 AM #15
Rainmaker
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Dorie Dillard
Coldwell Banker United Realtors® ~ 512.346.1799 - Austin, TX
Serving Buyers & Sellers in NW Austin Real Estate

Good evening Anna Banana Kruchten CRB, CRS, Broker ,

These ALL were hysterical..I know I can't name one as my favorite..they are ALL good!

May 04, 2018 06:44 PM #16
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Scott Godzyk
Godzyk Real Estate Services - Manchester, NH
One of Manchester NH's Leading Agents

I needed a good laugh Anna Banana Kruchten CRB, CRS, Broker , hope you had a good weekend

May 06, 2018 03:46 PM #17
Rainmaker
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Endre Barath, Jr.
Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices - Beverly Hills, CA
Realtor - Los Angeles Home Sales 310.486.1002

OMG, I am still laughing half way through the post I had to send it to Diane since she works in a Law Firm:))) loved this .... perfect timing to read this post, Endre

May 07, 2018 06:23 PM #18
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Debe Maxwell, CRS
www.AtHomesCharlotte.com | The Maxwell House Group | RE/MAX Executive | (704) 491-3310 - Charlotte, NC
Charlotte Homes for Sale - Charlotte Neighborhoods

OMG, I laughed my a___ off, Anna! Then, I read them aloud to Ray and we laughed at them together! The 'Oral' one is hysterical, as is the IQ one -oh, hell, they're all great! 

Thanks for the evening laugh! I hope you and Gary are doing great. HUGS!

May 20, 2018 08:10 PM #19
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