So Your Best Friend Chose Another Realtor/Lender

Mortgage and Lending with Mason-McDuffie Mortgage, Conventional Loans, Jumbo Loans, FHA, 203(k), USDA, VA, NMLS #138061 MMCD #1141

So Your Best Friend Chose Another Realtor/Lender


Get over it

That bridge up there?  That's to help you get over it.  

     Recently, in a few online forums I've seen some outright nastiness as a reaction to an agent's friend/family member/coworker/former middle school classmate choosing a different agent to represent them on a purchase or listing.  Like, to the point where the relationship is over because the person chose another professional to help them.


     I get it.  As a lender, I'm a commissioned worker too.  I try to do my very best for my clients.  I try to walk the fine line of letting everyone know what I do for a living without being a walking, obnoxious billboard.  So when family, friends, or people I might otherwise expect to call me when the time comes go elsewhere with their business, it sure does suck.  Briefly.  And then I'm over it.


     Recently, I talked with a friend buying a home in San Diego county.  They went under contract and started the process before I even knew they were looking for a home.  I would have loved to refer them to one of the wonderful agents I know down there.  I'd have loved to get them the best mortgage possible.  I did ask what made them choose their lender, and they took the hint- they didn't care who they used, but they very explicitly didn't want to work with me.  Why?  They're friends.  We take trips together.  They're a couple of my best friends in CA, and that's the why.  They weren't comfortable with a friend seeing their credit, their debts, their income, etc.  "Hmmm", I thought.  Makes sense.


     That's the reaction you should have, too.  And if it doesn't make sense to you, you should at least think that it must make sense to them.  Perhaps they forgot what you do for a living.  Perhaps there's a personal situation involved they'd rather you not know about.  Maybe there's another professional that's done an outstanding job for them in the past that is now being rewarded with repeat business (what we all strive for, right?).  Hell, maybe they just don't think you're as good at what you do as you believe.  


     If you've worked in this business for any amount of time, chances are you've helped sell someone a home that had a friend/brother/sister/coworker that was also a Realtor.  You've probably helped a buyer with a parent/child/classmate with a real estate license. While you may have asked when you met, "are you currently working with another agent?", odds are you didn't say "before we get started, I want you to make sure there's no one you know that may have hurt feelings if you choose me as your agent".  


     It happens to all of us at one point or another.  People buying and selling are in a rare place - one of excitement coupled with some of the highest levels of stress they'll ever experience.  What they don't  need is to worry about whose feelings they're hurting by trying to make the best decision for them.  Because when someone's buying or selling, we do our best to make them know it's all about them and not about us.  We can let our circle know that if/when they need help in our field, we'd love to help, but if they don't take us up on it, we also can't jeopardize our relationship because of it.  In fact, if an agent is willing to go that far, I wonder if they have anything more than a superficial "hope you can help me someday" relationship to begin with.


So agents, lenders, and every other commissioned worker on the planet, stop stressing over this, and get out there and sell to someone who has a family member doing exactly the same thing you do : )


Re-Blogged 3 times:

Re-Blogged By Re-Blogged At
  1. Ron Barnes 08/05/2017 06:06 AM
  2. Brian Persons 08/05/2017 06:48 AM
  3. Ginger Harper 08/05/2017 10:53 AM
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Sharon Kowitz
Fonville Morisey-CRS-SRES-ABR-GRI-E-Pro-CREN Cary, NC - Cary, NC
Cary, NC Relocation Specialist ~ Buying or Selling

Wow congrat's on a great post...seems it hit home for many! 

I too have had that conversation where someone I knew used someone else. 

It's all we can do to keep our names in front of people so there maybe another reason people go in a different direction we have no control over. 

Aug 08, 2017 06:40 AM #71
John Wiley
Right Move Real Estate Group- EXP Realty - Fort Myers, FL
Lee County, FL Real Estate GRI, SRES,GREEN,PSA

This a a great thought provoking post.

I find it somewhat amusing when I hear agents market with: you don't want to use your friends to conduct your real estate business, and this is to get business.

They then turn around and are offended when their friends forget to use them.

Many good comments have been made.

You state it well: get over it.


Aug 08, 2017 07:11 AM #72
Spectora Inc
Spectora Home Inspection Software - Denver, CO
Modern Home Inspection Software

Great topic and well-written. Most agents can relate to this. I especially love the point about being aware of what they might feel, or how they might view the relationship, money, etc. 

Aug 08, 2017 07:41 AM #73
Brian DeYoung
Howard Hanna Real Estate Services - Ithaca, NY
Brian DeYoung

That was exactly what I figured, they just did not feel comfortable having me know some details.

Also, when we hang out we dont get sucked into discussing business, because we are not discussing business.

I have had it happen twice.

Still good friends with both couples.


Aug 08, 2017 08:29 AM #74
Joe LaMastra
Realty One of New Mexico - Albuquerque, NM
Central New Mexico Real Estate

Outstanding post. Clear, to the point and some good perspective. It's happened to me and I did get over it - have to. Never really considered the "knowing their business" aspect and can actually see how I could feel that way, too.

Aug 08, 2017 09:21 AM #75
M.C. Dwyer
Century 21 Showcase REALTORs - Felton, CA
Santa Cruz Mountains Property Specialist

Yep, I've had to get over it too...but there was that one instance where the agent lied and said they were the only agent that could write the offer.   I had to laugh when I read, "Odds are you didn't say "before we get started, I want you to make sure there's no one you know that may have hurt feelings if you choose me as your agent". "

and another great line: "if it doesn't make sense to you, you should at least think that it must make sense to them."

Congrats on another well deserved featured post.

Aug 08, 2017 09:55 AM #76
Susan Dryer
HomeSmart - Desert Hills, AZ
I list and sell residential homes on 1+ acres.

Happens to all of us. It hurts. But smart people get over it and accept whatever the reason may be. Definitely not worth losing a relationship. Thanks for posting!

Aug 08, 2017 11:18 AM #77
Kathy Schowe
California Lifestyle Realty - La Quinta, CA
La Quinta, California 760-333-8886

We are in a tough busines... and yes, this happens to all of us.  Most people don't realize how hard we work, the hours we put in, and the heartbreak.  But then again... we must love it, right? :-)  K

Aug 08, 2017 01:17 PM #78
Jill Sackler
Charles Rutenberg Realty Inc. 516-575-7500 - Long Beach, NY
LI South Shore Real Estate - Broker Associate

You did a really great job with a really touchy job and judging by the number of comments, everyone else thinks so too.

Aug 08, 2017 06:53 PM #79
Mary Hutchison, SRES, ABR
Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate-Kansas City Homes - Kansas City, MO
Specializing in Brookside, Waldo, Prairie Village

Agree with this post. There are some very close friends I have and I think, if they decided to move, I would not want to list their house. "too close" and I value the friendship so much. May  feel differently if I worked with them as buyers.

Aug 08, 2017 07:05 PM #80
Carolyn A. Bell

There's no room for "Thin Skin" in this business. Eventually you will get your feelings hurt. Just shake it off and move on.

Aug 08, 2017 08:23 PM #81
Mary Ann Isaacson
JDK & Associates Realty - Brentwood, CA

I read most of the posts and how different the opinions were. I had to chime in. As I was rinsing my morning coffee cup I thought, I wonder how one of those friends if, perhaps, they owned a BMW car sales business would feel if you went to another BMW dealer and bought a brand new car and then rolled up to their house for dinner? 

Aug 09, 2017 10:55 AM #82
Laura Moore
Coldwell Banker - Granite Bay, CA
Competent ~ Caring ~ Committed

WEll written and presented. 

Aug 10, 2017 07:10 PM #83
Sheri Sperry - MCNE®
Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage - Sedona, AZ
(928) 274-7355 ~ YOUR Solutions REALTOR®

Hi John, 

Congrats on the feature!  We can see that this does hit a nerve. I would just like the friend to give me a call and talk with me. If they are truly a friend, they know what I do for a living and they should not have an issue talking to me. Please, don't let me see your home on the MLS. If you are a true friend you will know that I will respect your decision. 

Aug 11, 2017 04:39 PM #84
John Meussner
Mason-McDuffie Mortgage, Conventional Loans, Jumbo Loans, FHA, 203(k), USDA, VA, - Walnut Creek, CA
#MortgageMadeEasy Walnut Creek, CA 484-680-4852

Thanks Sheri, and yes, lots of great feedback with many different opinions.  All appreciated!  While I do see your point and respect your opinion, mine is definitely on the opposite end of the spectrum --- when moving, people's minds are in so many different places --- how are we going to time it?  How's it going to work with jobs?  How are the kids going to adjust? etc etc....I expect to be somewhere near the bottom of their thoughts --- and if not, then I'm just grateful and excited that they thought enough to use my services.

Aug 11, 2017 07:49 PM #85
Gary 'Banana' Houghtaling
Phoenix Property Shoppe - Phoenix, AZ
Phoenix Real Estate Agent

Hi John in my world I'd say - next. And get over it.

Aug 15, 2017 08:04 AM #86
Sharon Parisi
United Real Estate Dallas - Dallas, TX
Dallas Homes

This happens to people in all professions. I have worked with many friends over the years. Others have several Realtors friends and make a decision to work with another agent.  They are still my friends!

Aug 17, 2017 08:18 PM #87
Travis "the SOLD man" Parker; Associate Broker
Team Linda Simmons, Enterprise, AL 36330 - Enterprise, AL
email: / cell: 334-494-7846

Just happened to me, but with a Happy Ending!

 Hubby know another Agent - wife knew me - started with other Agent - after 2 months and the Agent telling them to spend big bucks on interior, he called me - I said spend $100 to trim bushes so you can see the house - a week after I listed it, multiple offers and bidding war - Owner SUPER happy now!

Aug 19, 2017 10:59 AM #88
Rekha Vyas
Keller Williams Realty of Brevard - Melbourne, FL

You are right John, it happens to all of us at one point or another. It sure doesn't feel good but I remind myself, I'm a professional. Also my business does not depend on this one person buying/selling real estate through me. Maintain the frienship, keep the goodwill and move on.

Oct 02, 2017 02:06 PM #89
Ricardo Mello
Manhattan Miami Real Estate - Manhattan, NY
Manhattan & Miami Real Estate Broker

Im always thankful when they choose another Realtor. One of my rules is to not work with friends!

May 09, 2018 01:30 PM #90
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John Meussner

#MortgageMadeEasy Walnut Creek, CA 484-680-4852
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